I cannot love you if you love the rain

I cannot love you if you love the rain,

Because the rain 

dissolves every living ounce of 

my beating heart

its essence unable to gush 

It'll seep through my skin 

and drown my insides 

with its sorrowful nothingness

leaving me lie in a puddle of emptiness 

instilling forgotten sins to consume me

I cannot love you if you love the rain,

Because you see, you'll see

the unwantedness of me that the rain,

the rain pours down for the world to see.

Fluctuate, my heart, till it no more beats 

I cannot love you if you love the rain; 

Because you will not love me. 

Not after you see 

of all the things the rain makes me;

You cannot love me. 

#3

you.

me.

on a purple island of 

serendipity.

deep chardonnay flowing

ocean.

your suaveness caught 

me

you

on a purple island of

rebellion.

trees were dry,

sand was diamond.

ran and ran

we went to where

you 

me

on a purple island of

hopelessness.

sweet surrender

but where was

happy

you 

me 

on a purple island of

serenity.

caressed by deep

burgundy.

what was left of 

you

me 

that purple island of

what could never be.

you have awaken

fading with the dandelion

leaves

there was no

more

you 

me

that purple

island.

Now, remember that day we were talking about birthdays, yours, mine, how I had to wait another year till mine? We were just back from our island getaway and the sound of 5am waves echoing in my head as I reminisced the long weekend of my birthday, spent only with us. We sat at the very front left corner of the unsightly white-walled room paying no attention to our surroundings whatsoever and you said to me,

"Everyday is your birthday.. I'll make sure,"

Every morning after I woke up to a 'good morning girl, happy birthday!'
That recollection has left me unable to be conscientious to these chemical equations in front of me.
Why wouldn't they just leave already? Like you did.






I wish to forget.

Thoughts of you kept me up tonight as I find myself wanting to hear you speak. Listened to you sing in the end; I'm ready to go to sleep. It's 2.26am and just like the way I used to stay up and eventually fall asleep while you stay awake for your strange work hours, good night.

How do you appear on mountains in the desert too?

When you left

Much has happened. Much that I'm sure you do not (or try not to be) care for but here are a list of things I think you'd be glad to know or shocked about

#1 I no longer have the best body, no more competing on who could last longer on the treadmill, staring at that ugly green roof they called a view. A part of me feels like a sluggish pig but then a happy one cause I realised that the whole fitness craze was just something I loved to like because it was something you loved. But thank you for helping me achieve my now gone thunder thighs and toned arms.

#2 I don't watch the stars anymore. No sentimental reason like because it used to be "our" thing or whatever, I just stopped. Though it did feel nicer when I had your chest to lie on.

#3 No one else can make me eat instant noodles. Well, that hasn't changed, you were always the only one.

#4 I can't listen to Drake's Take Care without remembering that that was the last song you told me to listen to before starting your slow leave without a reason or goodbye except "I'll miss being able to see your face everyday". It made it worse that you chose to leave slowly, why couldn't you have just left and killed me straight rather than let me painfully care for you while you took your time to care less and less like watching a blunt object penetrate through my body? What's funny is that when Rihanna's Stay was released, I heard it and thought about that night.. Instantly.

#5 Still wondering why you sang every song you did to me.

#6 The things I left in your room that you said you'd like to keep, do you still have them? And what did you do with them if you still did cause the things you left with me are left untouched, unused and almost forgotten in the faded pink box by my window. I haven't forgotten about them, I said almost.

#7 The last time we bumped into each other, you pretended that your abandonment towards me never happened. How do you do that? No, how did you make me feel like it never happened? How could you give me a hug and initiate a heartfelt sort of conversation with me, tell me you're sorry you disappeared, that things hasn't been well and then leave.. Again.

#8 Many guys have drifted in and out of my life but none made me feel any sense of security like you did. Your hugs have always been the best. They always felt.. Real.

#9 I still wonder now and then if things would've been different if I told you in words and to your face that I wanted you. I wanted all of you and never to let me go but I thought I was being selfish because you always spoke about the world ahead of you and I wanted you to explore and find the world you spoke of with nothing holding you back. Now, you're grounded as an old tree, to someone, who's not me.

#9 I also fantasize about the day you'd come running back to me. The day you'd tell me you're sorry and say that you want me back. I imagine myself forgiving you ever so easily and falling into your arms, head first on your chest again.. But then I think no, just no. Because fuck you; I was only a tool. You broke my heart.

#10 I told myself that if we were to meet again, I would ask you who, what and why. Who was I to you? What did all the things we've gone through meant to you? Why did you lie to me about the girl you now love? Why can't you admit to me that you love her? Why are you still so affectionate towards me when you know that I know about her? Why are you still hoping that I'd hold on? Why did you have to be the one? Why did I invest my all to you, and you knew, when you never did? Why would you speak of things you never believed in to paint a picture of a world unknown to make me think you were someone you're not? What a joke.

#11 I was happy; but happier ever since you've gone.

Dear You-

It hasn't been too long since we've last met. How are you? I can never tell because one day it'll seem like your world is tumbling down but then you'd be on top of it the next. You're a real mystery, you know? I like that. I've written you down on the 6th page of my notebook but on the next it says, "what happened here". And what did? I don't know, you. It's like you suddenly (and still are becoming) became (even) more apparent in my life, without even being present, and not by choice. It frustrates me sometimes as that makes me wonder how you're doing over there. Not that I don't want to care, I do and in fact, a lot. A lot and having more added, might just slowly stir my mind insane. It's funny, though. Because I don't even know (think) if the thought of me runs through yours even once in awhile (if not ever). I hope it does.
Since our last meet, I must say I have been happier and yes, I think it's because of you. Well, despite the few days of over-thinking, reminiscing, questioning and feeling.. lost, I've been happy. Confusion was constant, however, about everything (you). Driving me from wall to wall until that one day I burst. Words wouldn't come out right and everything became 100x more sentimental. At these times I resort to writing as salvation, but there was nothing to write about. Sentences just couldn't be formed and nothing made sense.. but it didn't have to. I found peace, somehow. Never mind the (many) days I spent staring at my phone, wondering if (hoping) your name would pop up on screen. Relentlessly, I wait and wait.. And waited. Why? I wish I knew. It never did, of course, besides times when I tried to start a conversation which never could last for more than 5 minutes since we have nothing to say.. but it was worth it. I don't know why it how it or what made you some part of me I wish I didn't need.
Not really sure what to feel about that but I want that to stay. I'm scared you'd forget about me. The thought of you being astray and/or me rendered unknown by you, terrifies me that it makes me unable to even spell words right (I misspelled terrifies probably 6 times; and misspelled too). I can't say I'm in love with you, because I'm not.. Not yet, at least.
If I ever see you again, I just might. I just might tell you that if you dared, to come a little closer because one way or another, I want you to stay. Somewhere in the middle of the same notebook where your name is inked on the 6th page, I've written you a letter that you may (or may not) read one day.. if we ever meet again. I'd like you to know, I hope that we do.

PS: It makes me smile foolish, every time you call me silly.

X

#2

A part of me dies every time I'm back from my travels.

Don't get me wrong, KL is and will always be in my heart, it just never really feels like home here. In fact, I don't feel home anywhere.

Maybe I'm a nomad.. I like the thought of that. 

Like a wanderer but never lost.

Though I won't move just because of rainy weather.

I'd stay until my heart's content.

You know what they say; the world is your oyster. So why stay in one place when there's so much more out there? 

I think my eyes feed on new sights and soul on places unknown.

I wish I had explore my own city as much as I have others. 

Maybe then I'd miss "home".

But no, I think I'd like to stay an aimless globetrotter.

And my favourite block at Gillman Barracks';

Good Wednesday, everyone.

Strangers We Meet

(drafted March 10, 2013)
Meeting strangers is a wonderful thing. An unintentional encounter. You don't know them, and they don't know you. Sometimes you may even be so brutally honest with them more than you could be with anyone else. And it's ok for you to be whoever you want or say whatever you want to them because they don't now you and you don't know them. That may very well be the only time you are ever going to see them. When that moment ends, it's gone and you never look back. But what I realised is that honesty is easily distinguished among strangers.. at least to me. You are unafraid of what you speak because who will ever find out about what you said to the person you met on a bus on your way to work? You reveal your deepest, darkest secrets, you divulge and paint a virtual story of your life, fearlessly and instantly. You have no reason to feel ashamed. For all you know, that stranger would be the one who would help you through your hardest times.

Not too long ago, I met a stranger who asked me, "What is love?". That question had never seemed so difficult and yet for me to convey my answer, was effortlessly easy. Was it because he was someone I didn't know and it was alright for me to be sentimental without being judged or mocked at for being so? I remember thinking that it didn't matter whether what I said made sense or not, he asked for my thoughts and I didn't have to watch my words. I could say whatever I want and then he would be gone, unseen, unheard of and forgotten.

But that moment of time didn't leave me. I didn't forget. In fact, it constantly replayed in my mind, his question and my answer. It left me with wonder. I started wondering and reflecting about the world we live in, love, life and basically just everything. It wasn't the kind of wonder that was arduos but somewhat blissful. I started to walk a little taller, laughed a little louder and be a little bolder. It's amazing how little things like meeting a random person on the street makes you realise that the world really is a beautiful place and people really aren't that bad. 

Strangers We Meet is a series of short films that features people I have never met before, who are unknown to me, some whose names I don't even know, all asked to answer the same question. These scenes were filmed undirected, unplanned, unscripted and are arbitrary answers. These are real people, expressing real thoughts and feelings. 

In this very first Strangers We Meet, I have collaborated with Tasha Faye of tasha-faye.blogspot.com, one of the most talented photographers I know and also one of my closest friends, the one who encouraged me and helped me take the first step to start Strangers We Meet. I have chosen "What is love?", to begin with because it was the question I was asked that inspired me to do something I have never done (or even thought of doing) before; producing short films and meeting strangers, intentionally. I hope watching this will leave you inspired, make you smile and see the world the way others see it. I hope it opens your eyes to the beauty of this world.

To the strangers who have willingly let me film you and helped make this happen, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you. If you are reading this, I want you to know that I am grateful and appreciate every one of you. Hopefully this makes your day a little brighter too. I couldn't have done this without you. 

X

As for what my reply was to the stranger, I might share it one day. Till then, I hope everyone is having a lovely Monday. If not, I hope this video makes your day :)

Blissful wonder

And if you were to have asked me
what I liked about you
right there and then
I would have said
that I like that you keep me wondering,
wanting to know more
and more
but you never leave me hanging
you leave me with
a blissful wonder.

It's not that I fancied your thoughts
or the way you spoke.
Not the way you looked,
the attention
I was given,
there was
more.

So much so
that it left
me
wondering.
What
Why
How
do you do that?

Because it was clear to see
at least to me,
you weren't even
didn't even
wouldn't even have to
try.

You were you.
I was me.
We were there.
Listening
to the raindrops
sing
in blissful
wonder.

Solitude

"Not everybody understands solitude."

We're sitting by the riverside as it rains heavily, meeting for the first time. It wasn't unusual or uncomfortable though.

Meeting a stranger is a wonderful thing I feel. I don't believe people we meet are strangers, I think we're just bound to meet the people we meet at some point of our lives. It's just the matter of time and coincidence, maybe.

The world seems brighter nowadays. Solitude is good.

Wednesday Wonders

Short update: Stumbled across this while doing my regular browsing through Thought Catalogue. Where have those times gone?

Every man body should take a little time to read this. 

#1

You know, it's ridiculous how much you were able to constantly make me change my mind. I wrote some time ago, "It was crazy & intoxicating, it was lovely, it was frustrating, it was wonderful", but shortly after it was, "I was saving you, but you were killing me". Thing was, I missed you every time. The day it came to a complete end; when we decided that we would stop seeing each other anymore.. or maybe you did cause I believed every word you said. I was deceived. That was almost a year ago. And who knew that a year ago today, would be the day you became the person who taught me to smile again.

I forget how to smile. But I went up to my room that night and stood in front of the mirror, and I smiled. This time it was as though all hell was gone and life was perfect. I start to think of the days we'd spent everyday until a year ago. How is it that the same person who pushed me down the hardest would be the one to bring me back up again? I'm glad that it was you. Seeing you now and you before, felt the same and yet.. so different. You were the same person who could make me laugh whenever but even better that in that moment, you made me feel like a million dollars. For that, I am forever grateful to have had and still in a way, have you.

It made me realize that there were many things left unsaid. I liked that when you talked to me, you looked in my eyes. How you always knew when to give me a hug. The stupid things you say that made me laugh even when I don't want to. All those things made me loved missing you. And remember I said that no matter what happens, I'd still care about you. I meant it. I don't know if it shows but I do. You said the same to me and I chose not to believe it but I was wrong. You've been there, haven't you? So unconsciously until that night.

So this is me, with all my heart, thanking you. For everything. From the start to the end to the next beginning. I am happy seeing you happy even though it the end, it isn't with me. You are a wonderful person and I can see that only the better are ahead of you.

X

Patient, fine, balanced, kind.

About a year ago, I decided to have my first tattoo done and needless to say, many have judged me and made assumptions to what I have done. It didn't bother me much though because despite what everyone else said, it made me feel good about myself. I felt beautiful. 

I've never really shared the reason behind it to anyone because I didn't need everyone to know why I had it done. I didn't need to tell everyone that no, it's not just for show. Those four words mean a lot to me and only I knew why, that was all that mattered. But I something was keeping me up last night and I started to write. Posted on my Facebook, 14th February 2013;

Some days your mind tends to wander back to significant moments of your life you wish not to remember. It’s not that you regret, it’s not that it was bad, it’s not that you miss it. It’s just a time in your life you know that is gone and will never come back. You closed the book to that chapter; there’s no continuation to that ending. You let go of the happiness, the pain, the anger, the fear, the people who were part of it all. You forget the way they looked into your eyes with so much softness that made you feel warmth inside. You forget how the simplest things they said that made you feel most worthy, that you were iridescent. You forget the times you lied on the roads at odd hours of the night staring at the dark skies. None of that matters anymore because nothing gold ever stays. You are now just the crumbs on the bed used as a table. You are going to be swept away and be rendered invisible. You are going to feel ashamed. You are going to want an answer to why it was so simple for people to do that, you are going to ask yourself why it was so easy for you to let them do that to you. Mostly, you wonder why it had to be you. You were a fool.

You start to want it all back just so you could have the good. But wait, what was the good? Well yeah there was that momentary time of paradise but when that left, how did it leave you? You felt hopeless. Now, that’s not good.

Fortunately, it ends. You find an escape. You learn that patience is a wonderful thing. Time is powerful. After spending countless hours, days, weeks in solitude, reading your favourite books and drinking wine, you find contentment and you appreciate the meaningful loneliness and see that the world isn’t that bad. The reason behind your silence may not actually be a bad thing. When you see the worst things in life, you don’t feel like you’ve lost hope. Instead, you work on making yourself a better person. You want people to find hope in you. You carry yourself in a better way now, you are a thriving individual, delicate yet robust. You found composure. You are no longer that train wreck of a person who was filled with self-pity and poignance. You realize amazing things are ahead of you and you really, have nothing to worry about. You are going to have good days and you are going to have bad ones too. Days end and morning will come, you will do what’s right. You have nothing to be afraid of.. not anymore. Happy is the heart that still feels pain. You come to understand others and be gentle. You are kind. You indulge in other’s happiness for your own because you find that genuine happiness is seeing others in gaiety. Putting a smile on someone’s face never seemed so worthwhile until now. You are now that swallow leading the lost sailor to shore. All you need to be is a little patient, fine, balanced and kind.

Well, it's time I shared what I feel inside. Why? Because I want you to know that even when all hope is gone, you can still carry on. The past year was not my best, and I guess writing this was a way of telling myself that I have finally let go; completely. Happy Friday, everyone.

X