Wednesday Wonders

Short update: Stumbled across this while doing my regular browsing through Thought Catalogue. Where have those times gone?

Every man body should take a little time to read this. 

#1

You know, it's ridiculous how much you were able to constantly make me change my mind. I wrote some time ago, "It was crazy & intoxicating, it was lovely, it was frustrating, it was wonderful", but shortly after it was, "I was saving you, but you were killing me". Thing was, I missed you every time. The day it came to a complete end; when we decided that we would stop seeing each other anymore.. or maybe you did cause I believed every word you said. I was deceived. That was almost a year ago. And who knew that a year ago today, would be the day you became the person who taught me to smile again.

I forget how to smile. But I went up to my room that night and stood in front of the mirror, and I smiled. This time it was as though all hell was gone and life was perfect. I start to think of the days we'd spent everyday until a year ago. How is it that the same person who pushed me down the hardest would be the one to bring me back up again? I'm glad that it was you. Seeing you now and you before, felt the same and yet.. so different. You were the same person who could make me laugh whenever but even better that in that moment, you made me feel like a million dollars. For that, I am forever grateful to have had and still in a way, have you.

It made me realize that there were many things left unsaid. I liked that when you talked to me, you looked in my eyes. How you always knew when to give me a hug. The stupid things you say that made me laugh even when I don't want to. All those things made me loved missing you. And remember I said that no matter what happens, I'd still care about you. I meant it. I don't know if it shows but I do. You said the same to me and I chose not to believe it but I was wrong. You've been there, haven't you? So unconsciously until that night.

So this is me, with all my heart, thanking you. For everything. From the start to the end to the next beginning. I am happy seeing you happy even though it the end, it isn't with me. You are a wonderful person and I can see that only the better are ahead of you.

X

Patient, fine, balanced, kind.

About a year ago, I decided to have my first tattoo done and needless to say, many have judged me and made assumptions to what I have done. It didn't bother me much though because despite what everyone else said, it made me feel good about myself. I felt beautiful. 

I've never really shared the reason behind it to anyone because I didn't need everyone to know why I had it done. I didn't need to tell everyone that no, it's not just for show. Those four words mean a lot to me and only I knew why, that was all that mattered. But I something was keeping me up last night and I started to write. Posted on my Facebook, 14th February 2013;

Some days your mind tends to wander back to significant moments of your life you wish not to remember. It’s not that you regret, it’s not that it was bad, it’s not that you miss it. It’s just a time in your life you know that is gone and will never come back. You closed the book to that chapter; there’s no continuation to that ending. You let go of the happiness, the pain, the anger, the fear, the people who were part of it all. You forget the way they looked into your eyes with so much softness that made you feel warmth inside. You forget how the simplest things they said that made you feel most worthy, that you were iridescent. You forget the times you lied on the roads at odd hours of the night staring at the dark skies. None of that matters anymore because nothing gold ever stays. You are now just the crumbs on the bed used as a table. You are going to be swept away and be rendered invisible. You are going to feel ashamed. You are going to want an answer to why it was so simple for people to do that, you are going to ask yourself why it was so easy for you to let them do that to you. Mostly, you wonder why it had to be you. You were a fool.

You start to want it all back just so you could have the good. But wait, what was the good? Well yeah there was that momentary time of paradise but when that left, how did it leave you? You felt hopeless. Now, that’s not good.

Fortunately, it ends. You find an escape. You learn that patience is a wonderful thing. Time is powerful. After spending countless hours, days, weeks in solitude, reading your favourite books and drinking wine, you find contentment and you appreciate the meaningful loneliness and see that the world isn’t that bad. The reason behind your silence may not actually be a bad thing. When you see the worst things in life, you don’t feel like you’ve lost hope. Instead, you work on making yourself a better person. You want people to find hope in you. You carry yourself in a better way now, you are a thriving individual, delicate yet robust. You found composure. You are no longer that train wreck of a person who was filled with self-pity and poignance. You realize amazing things are ahead of you and you really, have nothing to worry about. You are going to have good days and you are going to have bad ones too. Days end and morning will come, you will do what’s right. You have nothing to be afraid of.. not anymore. Happy is the heart that still feels pain. You come to understand others and be gentle. You are kind. You indulge in other’s happiness for your own because you find that genuine happiness is seeing others in gaiety. Putting a smile on someone’s face never seemed so worthwhile until now. You are now that swallow leading the lost sailor to shore. All you need to be is a little patient, fine, balanced and kind.

Well, it's time I shared what I feel inside. Why? Because I want you to know that even when all hope is gone, you can still carry on. The past year was not my best, and I guess writing this was a way of telling myself that I have finally let go; completely. Happy Friday, everyone.

X